DIY - The Fanzine guide by Graham Usher

So you've got some team that you hold dear to your heart, you've got loads of opinions about the club and a pile of constructive criticism you just can't wait to get off your chest. After reading other fanzines you are convinced that you can do better, and after all there is enough history & histrionics at your club to produce something far, far superior. After a bit of practise you acquire rudimentary typing skills and discover a few layout techniques purely by accident. A healthy contingent of fellow supporters all claim to have a wealth of material that they are willing to write about, so you're raring to go!

But please remember to follow these few simple guidelines:

1- Only 25% of those people who said they'd write articles ever do, and at least a few of these will be hand written pieces by people with a writing impediment, leading to hours spent trying to type up some spider scrawl of an article. The worst exponent of the ancient art of the pen & paper will invariably also be your most prolific contributor.

2- Weather you put your name to the finished masterpiece or not, even adding the mandatory disclaimer on the first page, word will get around that its you. And you'll receive all the hate mail, get all the dirty looks & bear the brunt of the accusing stares & glances.

3- If you tow the club line then the fans will lynch you, if you print criticism the club will be out to get you. If you attempt to cover an unbiased cross section of views everybody will be after you !!!!.

4- Regardless of how broad a forum of views you publish and wide range of topics you suggest for debate, the question you'll be asked more than any other is;
"Is it the programme mate?"

5- From the beginning get the various club officials involved. Some of your best articles will be from someone with an insight into the clandestine world of the corridors of power.

6- Be careful if you use an alias to stir up opinions through your letters page. Never under any circumstances get into an argument with one of your non de plumes & start penning angry responses to your own provocations, it's the start of a road you don't want to take if you want your fanzine to be taken seriously.

7- Employ a resident sh*t stirrer, who'll happily write prose aimed to nark just about everybody. (A thick-skinned agitator who'd assassinate a total stranger for the price of a pint of LCL, wouid be ideal).

8- Try to avoid too much personal criticism or praise bestowed upon an individual player, their form will inevitably dip or raise beyond all recognition while the fanzine is in production and by the time its on sale you'll have egg on your face.

9- Mocking rival clubs is fine, in fact obligatory although be careful in deciding the release date of your latest masterpiece. For rival clubs have been known to rub these jibes in by proving how inferior the are by sticking a sack load of goals past your team, who have collectively decided to have an off day, when coming up against your nearest but not dearest. Avoid making predications at all costs.

10- If you operate a policy of not publishing the names of individual authors but feel one has sent a hot potato, accidentally leave his name at the foot of the article.

11- Choose a simple but equally effective title, one your public can identify with. This will save countless explanations when asked.

12- Once your up and running you'll be continually asked: "When the next ones out?" Be careful with your answer too much time spent hunched over your keyboard will please your public but will only upset your nearest & dearest.

13- Your new found position as an unofficial voice of the fans will lead to one or more supporters club official, realising the apparent amount of spare time you have to produce such an item, headhunting you. You will be asked to help either help run the Supporters club, sell programmes or golden goal tickets, head committees, arrange buses for away games etc.

14- Become aloof to anyone connected with the club. It's a real pain in the arse having to criticise anyone you've befriended in print, this usually ends in tears or you being treated like a leper.

15- Consider using nicknames all the time to baffle opposition supporters and
casual visitors. Other teams fans will just have to remain puzzled but the occasional visitor might have his anorak like intrigue spiked enough to follow up his inquisitive nature and find attending games full time becomes a real habit in no time at all. Thus hooked he'll read with pride secure in the knowledge that he knows who Gazzo & Bazzo are.

16- Criticise those who can't leave unpleasantness at home and bring unwanted extreme politically incorrect views & unacceptable oafishness along to games with them. Make sure all criticism gives these types the impression you are a soft lad pacifist, so you'll have the element of surprise in your favour when they finally track down the editor and confront you about your criticism of their stupidity.

17- Know matter how long you spend reading through the proof, checking for speling mistokes that your temperamental computer's, American based, spell check has missed and continualy checking the grammer time & time again, try to stay calm when the first person you sell one to points out a glarring spelling mistake. Because plenty more people will point out mistakes then offer to help check it once you've just spent the past few months without such help.

18- Above all preach the gospel that is your beloved football club. Point out that continual abuse from the terraces will only have a detrimental affect on the team they claim undying allegiance too. But remember that having paid to watch, they are entitled to their say. Seizing this opportunity to push your fine publication as the perfect vehicle for their grievances as club officials read it.

After all it is their fanzine and that's what it is there for.