As a Psychiatric nurse for over twenty years I have enough experience of mental health to recognise the number of people at Blyth games who could warrant with some help. Therefore I am going to become the self appointed unofficial Club counsellor and will be having an open surgery on match days in the rear of the supporters club shop. This will be a private, free and confidential service with no appointment required. I expect to be very busy so patience will be needed as I have cleared the supporters club shop to make room for a waiting area. I will be available for four hours before each home game, evening matches included. Special trained staff will be on hand to assist me during post match inquests when times get bad. I will also see visiting fans except those from Gateshead. Unfortunately these sad individuals are beyond any help and are plagued to a life of purgatory.

All aspects of mental health will be dealt with.

For the Blyth board I will also be running a buleamic counselling group every week in the club, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Got delusions? No problem. A delusion is a false fixed belief not in keeping with culture, environment, education etc and not altered by rational argument. Within the club there are many fans with delusions of grandeur way above their status. There are many here at Blyth who have this notion that the Club will one day reach Conference status and even the Football League.
I foresee these delusional ideas as a major problem, I will have to tackle among numerous supporters.

I have some concerns about the number of supporters who are hallucinating. A hallucination is a false sensory perception in the absence of external stimuli. On many occasions fans appear to be seeing things. For example, every time a player goes down in the box they visualise a clear cut penalty.

Depression is bread and butter in my trade and no source for low mood is too much for me. Heard it all before so don't be embarrassed by the problem. Can't 'get it' up or the 'mickey monk' is not up to scratch to get the misses in the pudding club? The wife has run off and left you with the kids or has she has popped her clogs? No sweat, just come along and see me and let it all out.

I envisage a lot of my work in the area of depression with the present predicament of this club. Unfortunately I am not in a position to actually prescribe the Prozac so you will have to have a trip to your GP. There are too many stay away supporters at present due to the clubs situation. This is all down to depression and with my help I can get you back to Croft Park.

Already I have had numerous ex-managers of Blyth wishing to make appointments for post-traumatic stress counselling. Even I may not be able to work with this particular client group since they are all close to having nervous breadvans.

Thinking of 'topping' yourself? Well just do it anyway, I can't stop you. Don't take an overdose and then do nothing to solve the problem in question, only attracting attention to yourself in the process. Come to my surgery and lets look at alternative coping strategies. Mental health is like a pair of curtains, you just have to pull yourself together.

I hope to get to grips with a few fans to enable them to understand their inner selves. I see those out there who think they are dead hard, like the sound of their own voice or come to every Blyth game moaning and groaning at each game in pessimistic tones which are only a flavour of their depressive lives.

Drugs and alcohol. Now I am talking as the Town of Blyth has a reputation nationwide. For this group I would ask them not to see me on my pre-match surgery but to attend my Tuesday evening groups between 6pm and 11pm. Get yourselves along unless you want to end up with a Korsakow's psychosis. But hurry to get your name on the waiting list as there is already a three year file of prospective clients.

Obsessive-Compulsive disorders and phobias are a bit of a pet subject for me. Rumour has it that the kit man gets his wife to wash the strips 45 times after each game. Consequently the orange away tops are now a plain white. This compulsive strip washing has resulted in TK spending all his social security benefits on washing powder and his misses going ballistic. (Note- I should not single people out you know, I could get 'chinned' for this. Not of pint size, but his other half. Christ almighty I have just gone too far now, I am dead meat for sure).

For the Guy out there who has the aversion and phobia of soap, well give me a chance and we will get to grips with resolving that one. I am thinking about a flooding technique i.e., throwing the scruffy git in a bath.

Maniac-depressive sufferers are advised to give the club a miss since the stresses and strains of supporting Blyth Spartans is enough to send anyone over the top.

Still got that enuresis problem? That's bed wetting to the likes of you! Come on down to my surgery and we will get it sorted and I promise I won't take the p***.

I recognise at Blyth Spartans the paranoia that emanates in many circles. The Board has paranoia of the mere infidels and irritating inferiors (i.e. supporters) who dare question them and possibly finding out some home truths about what goes on behind the scenes. I tell you what it is, it would be easier to find the Holy Grail or who really did assassinate President Kennedy. The fans in turn have this paranoid idea the Board are not working for the good of the club but for themselves. In time I hope to sit supporters and the board down together in group therapy to air some of the differences.

I will be looking at certain individuals as to their reasons for following then leaving the club. Alright someone might leave their official capacity at the club for what ever reason but wouldn't you think they would still attend games? The alter-ego within us all means that some of us at this club have to be a someone and not just a minion.

That old epilepsy playing up? Weather it be myoclonic jerks, petit malls or jacksonian seizures come on down and we will get it resolved. No problem.

Anxiety Neuroses. Well theirs a one which concerns every fan to a man at this club. Anxiety about our very existence, anxiety about the survival in the premier league, anxiety of possibly meeting Amble Town in the Northumberland Senior cup next year, anxiety about the next managerial appointment. It just goes on and on. I for one am on the Ranitidine (Zantac) for stomach ulcers through all of this football lark.

Hypocondriacal? Its my bowels, its my headaches, its my chest, its my rash. For Christ's sake what do you expect me to do? Try to get yourself a life instead of spending half your week in the doctors surgery.

Incidentally, I am now going to cease my Alzheimer's clinic held on a Thursday since everyone appears to keep forgetting to turn up. I am not going to waste my time if they can not be bothered to attend.
Unwanted sexual fanticies? Yes I may have touched on a raw nerve with some of you lot out there. A simple treatment is to tie electrodes to your b*ll***s and give yourself a zap when the lurid ideas enter your bonce. Its so simple, self psychiatry in action. By the way, if you ever get syphilis don't hesitate to get it treated. That can cause dementia in later years if you don't. In the Hospital years ago they used to catergorize these patients as GPI's, (General paralysis of the insane!).

So there you are. Got a problem ? Just get yourself to my surgery, NOW!

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